My Parents have done a great job of keeping me off the pole, until now. I was taught that the reputation is a lifetime to build and a moment to destroy. The road to a bad reputation is a quick and slippery one. But it can also be athletic, sweaty and a lot of fun.
Things I learned about pole dancing
1. Wedding rings and brass rails are natural enemies
2. The pole is slippery, wide and wet
3. The pole burns with the friction of a thousand suns
4. Just when you think you're spinning too fast you get stuck
5. Whiplash can be caused by an almost kinda sexy hair toss
6. Sexy arms are way harder than they look
7. It helps your dancing to keep your high heels on
8. Doing the robot isn't sexy
9. Either the boobs lead or the butt leads but never both
10. Leg warmers are cute and functional
11. Big steps=feet too far apart
12. Move slowly, at least then you don't have to fake as much sexy time
13. Watch your high kicks
13a. Watch where you're aiming those not so high kicks- they reach your classmate no prob
14. Poise-ture: it's an attitude thing
15. A smile distracts the watcher, even if you're wrapped around the pole like an origami snake
16. Furrowed brows aren't hot
17. I was tempted to have a Flashdance style ending to class- but the bucket of water is tough to rig and slippery to continue dancing
18. Public groping, short shorts and gyrating are encouraged but not automatic
19. Climbing the brass rail is new recruit hazing
20. Striptease class isn't about sex, it's about confidence
21. Bruises are expected and celebrated by these tough tight ladies
22. Six inches are starter heels
23. My body is sore and I love it.
I may not be ready for a 3 song night shift, but with a little practice I'll look forward to relinquishing the crown of world's worst dancer. And for that, I know my Momma will be proud, cuz we have the same dancing shoes.
There is a group of people who shine. They've got that certain something. That intangible spark. The X Factor. The Voice. They are a gangplank walking, chicken skin giving group. Overflowing with that very special something that sets them apart from the herd. The unique flare; a thing that people want to look at, talk about, dream about, drool over, wonder at, remember and cry over. It's hard to describe what makes a person a superstar, but I am willing to bet, it has something to do with three easily identifiable markers. And the unlikely combination created within that Shinning star. Creating a chemical reaction worth watching.
Talent- These are the people you can't stop watching. The people who sing the doors off- Whitney, Celine. Or the way Ansel Adams can make you feel thirsty. In this group we have dancers, writers, actors. Daniel Day's dedication to lifestyle immersion. They are the fireworks. They burn so beautifully bright. Typically they burn hard and fast. Streaking across the sky. Just catching them in the corner of your eye is lucky.
Confidence- Maybe it's the Cee Lo Green variety. Perhaps it's the confidence that Christina has in those mini skirts. It's that strut the angels have when they're telling secrets. The way a lead singer makes eyes at the camera. It's the stance. The swagger. It's shivering and sparkling. All the Bam Bam, all deliciously wrapped with a tiny little bow.
Personality- It's the distinctive late night gap toothed laugh. Then it's about creating a catch phrase. It's Farah Fawcett's blonde fringe. Monroe and Chaplin with their distinctive walks. Andy Warhol painting an iconic eye. The breathy vulnerability heard from the blues. It's the devil in their eyes. Unexpected punchlines. The suspenders and heart shaped glasses. It's a big floppy straw hat and pink boots.
The things that make you go boom. As a performer I fall into 1.75 of these categories. My personality is a solid 8.5, my confidence hovers between 6-8 and my talent varies greatly from passing to fancy. It plays into my favour that I am tenacious with a side of lazy. The good news is I am starting to know where I am going as a clear destination. I won't stop, cuz I can't stop. I am figuring out what it takes to make myself someone that burns brightly. A show must go on type of girl. I am on the road to giving goose flesh. They say knowledge is power and I am learning quite a bit about this crazy place and this even crazier business. But I don't think I'll ever stop lookin' at the stars.
Oh Pop culture how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. When I was growing up there was a lot of story telling. Joke telling. You heard about hip songs from that one friend who knew music. You read fashion magazines to learn style. You quoted television shows. If you wanted information about what was hip, you went to a hip person. You couldn't outright ask them, of course, because then they'd know you were not hip. You had to absorb and translate their hipness. But now! Oh my little pop culture, how you've grown.
Have you danced lately? Have you whooped'em Gangnam style? If not you should. It's really fun! Pop culture is no longer just regional- it's become a global obsession. With social media, we've all become entertainment editors- choosing, sharing and championing the next big thing. The best part about that is everyone can be Pop! No matter where, no matter who, you can set a trend. I am in love with it! Truly in love with watching mash up videos created by fanboys and girls. Tip and trick instructional videos. Watching Pop icons mock themselves- shocked that their 15 minutes is passing so fast. Doing the circuit and schmoozing with Seacrest. SNL and CNN equally intrigued with the Pop movement of the moment. Pop culture welcomes the weird, the wacky, the talented and the terrifying. There is room for us all.
Technology is helping us tell stories. Recording our jokes and teaching us that being hip comes from being yourself. When things get sad, just take a deep breath, hit the search bar and wait for that special viral feeling to overwhelm you. Or get out your camera and make a music video. Smile! Dance! Post, share, laugh and love the culture we're popping together. Then crank up the speakers, whip out that lasso, sing a song in Korean and Pop goes the world again.
This past weekend I had the pleasure of being the best-man's date to my Bro-in-Law's wedding. It was a split crowd; people I knew and total strangers. People who love me and people I will never see again. There is a wonderful duality when you're popularity is rumoured and unconfirmed. And it's amazing what you can learn.
Things I learned about weddings this past weekend:
1. You get to dance to the summer's top 40 pop songs, and somehow everyone knows them
2. It's a celebration of love. Everyone's love
3. You don't mind offering to get drinks at a venue where the booze is free
4. There are so many people, it's not offensive to only spend a little time with someone
5. Everyone tries to put their best food forward
6. Family inside jokes are in play
7. Even the grumpiest of men has a smile on their face
8. It's okay to shed a tear over the people we love who couldn't be there
9. You know at least 1/2 the people at this party
10. It's one of the 5 times a year you can convince your Hubby to dance with you
11. A beautiful venue really can reflect the love a couple has for one another
12. Bridesmaids' dresses can be beautiful enough to wear again
13. Fall weddings rock!
14. It's okay to eat the meat at a wedding when an environmentalist plans the menu
15. Watching pretty bridesmaids share inside jokes about the bride makes me miss my bridesmaids
16. There is no such thing as a stress free wedding
17. Photographers need to take charge and shrink the lengthy posing process
18. DJs should be pretty or handsome to invite requests
19. Caesars for apps, wine with dinner and beer for dancing is still a deadly combination
20. No matter how I protest, I always work at every event a little bit
21. My 2nd Momma was just as nervous the 2nd time around
22. Feathers are so hot right now
23. A pit bull off his leash will go straight for the bride in the frilly shimmering dress
24. A great DJ will sometimes play the same song twice
25. Even if you can't hear or understand what someone is saying, you can assume it's something nice
26. A great speech can come in many formats
27. A blended family is the only kinda'family that exists anymore
28. No matter how early you leave there's always a chance you'll be late
29. A flowing 70's chiffon dress with a wide belt is a great choice for a three course meal
30. Deciding to be the most fun person in the room is not a tough decision to make
31. A cordless mic encourages pacing
32. McDonald's is the best at midnight
33. Summer Loving is still the best air-band song ever
34. A wedding brings a family together with so much more happiness than a funeral
35. A wedding vow takes love and laughter to sound appropriate to the couple
36. After planning your own, you know how much love was poured into every other wedding you attend
37. A night without Jilly doesn't mean a dog won't keep us up all night
Congrats Bro-in-Law and Sis-for-life, welcome to the club! We're new members but the hazing hasn't been too bad and the old members are happy to have us. I look forward to seeing our lives grow together. Enjoy your honeymoon.
Yesterday was my 1 year wedding anniversary. Hurray! It's paper. The year wasn't easy but it sure was interesting and awesome. There was so much stuff to see and do. So, I wanted to let you know some of the things I learned:
1. My Momma loves buying hats.
2. Condos stoves do not accommodate an 8 quart roasting pan with lid.
3. If you ask nicely enough your Hubby will take care of it because you're so busy. (must be busy to qualify)
4. Positive reinforcement goes a long way.
5. It's easier to let Hubby do what he wants than try and convince him otherwise. Though he's finally realized that I am the one who knows how to find the fun.
6. Some people talk and some people do. But it's best to be a bit of both.
7. Actions speak louder than words. Except yelling, that's the loudest.
8. Telling someone to relax has the opposite effect.
9. Teaching each other to be better people is a fun activity.
10. Mastering social flow of conversation is key to becoming a social master.
11. Rock Hudson and Danny DeVito are both sexy for different reasons.
12. A bed is not sleepable until there is at least 2 teeny furry bodies in it.
13. Being married means giving gifts as a couple.
13a. It also means someone taking 1/2 the credit for your wicked gift.
14. My Hubby can be very persuasive when he wants to be.
15. An August anniversary is perfect timing. Except when it falls on a Monday after FanExpo.
16. Paper is not a good gift. Unless there is a former prime minister on it.
17. I would rather have chicken wings and a lemon drop with our favourite bartender than fancy-it-up for my anniversary dinner.
18. Being married to the Karaoke host is just as brutal as dating him. Drunk girls love the karaoke host.
19. People remember what they got you for your wedding. And think you use it while they're there to impress them- when really you use it all the time.
20. Gift certificates are the 2nd best gift.
21. I am a workaholic for the wrong reasons on the wrong things.
22. Working opposite shifts is hard on your relationship but great for shower schedules.
23. Being a newlywed has a different feeling, that doesn't last long enough.
24. Tough Ole' Papa B likes to hug us all- including Bucy and the Bean.
25. I did good picking such a rocking Hubby. And I even love him the days I might not like him.
26. Everybody can dance to Bluegrass.
27. I am lucky My other Mother is as great as she is.
28. Having inside jokes as a married couple surprises people.
29. People love giving newlyweds advice- especially if their marriage didn't work out.
30. Marriage isn't easy. But our lives are better because of it.
This last year has changed both of us. And for the next marital year we have already made our resolutions. It's exciting and I look forward to helping those things happen. We are becoming two braver and bolder people with each other's love and support; I wouldn't bet against these underdogs. Watch me! Watch Us! Watch out! The honeymoon might be over, but I am still over the moon.
My day is separated into capsules of time; 20 mins to shower, 15 mins to do my make up, 40 mins to choose what to wear. Then there is the never ending list of things that no matter how often you do or for how long, you have to keep doing over and over and over. For example....Laundry. If life had a top ten list of things that don't stop until you do (meaning when you croak), it might look like this.
1. Making the bed- every time you get out of it, it needs to be made again. And washed- folded, flipped, and so on.
2. Sweeping/Mopping/Swiffering- Just cleaning the damn floor, cause you're always walking on it, making it dirty again, finding tumble weeds of fur that have been driven into corners by the flow of traffic and spills from moving a hot pot too quickly into the sink
3. Walking the dog/cleaning the kitty litter/pooh-duty- HA I said duty (oh wait, that joke doesn't work when you're reading it *insert sigh & shrug)
4.Dishes- including but not limited to all the pots and pans you cooked with and the plates and silverware you ate off of. And would you just wash that glass that's been beside the bed for the last 2 days? It has dust floating in it.
5. Groceries- if you want something to make your dishes dirty you need to go out and get groceries, carry them home, cut or chop, clean and store. Make room in the fridge, cupboards and on shelves, don't forget that organizing can help your digestive system!
6. Bills, taxes, receipts and just general bookkeeping and life management. If you want to know how you're doing life-wise, this is a good place to start and keep up with, cause people will hound you for $17. 86 (FED EX, I'm talking to you)
7. The Bathroom- clean, sanitize, polish and scrub. This room is always getting used by bums and naked bodies. It's important to clean it often and well.
8. Laundry- Clothes, towels, sheets and whatever else needs to be de-grossed, de-haired or just freshened up. A light, fresh, clean scent creates an air of country in the city.
9. Swiffer- Before I even get to number 10 it's time to Swiffer again, I mean Jilly and Lucy are eager for a little sister I guess. A baby Dat or Cog...I haven't decided, unless I just start knitting a fur sweater, which would be ecologically responsible, but really creepy.
10. Myself- I need showers and shaves and scrubs and de-fur-ing and plucking and tweezing and clipping and shaping and stretching and warming ad nauseam, though I do consider myself a pretty clean person. (Ironic emphasis on Pretty*wink)
Life is an ongoing holding pattern of mundane activities, but the one thing that isn't mundane is life....Wha? That sounds very Zen of me. I am always surprised to find myself happy with the little things, but I would be happiest if I didn't have to keep SWIFFERING!
I used to love the shit out of Roch Voisine! Like, only the way a young French immersion girl in Ontario can. At James McQueen from Grades 4-6, the only things we were allowed to borrow from the library had to be in French. Boo! At home, in my very English life I listened to George Michael’s “Faith” on my brother’s red Fisher Price tape player, our only portable music device.
Then one day, it happened! My usual disappointing trip to the school library… energized by this: Helene
WHAT?!?! A FRENCH CANADIAN GEORGE MICHAEL!!! It was like all of my dreams of unifying the worlds of French and English were recognized when I found this Grade 5 link to multilingual peace. I rushed to the librarian and put the tape onto her desk, breathless from excitement. I was the first student to sign out this tape, a tape destined to send me down an intoxicating spiral of men in leather jackets. But my euphoria was fleeting. After only a week of listening to Hélène, I had to return it to the library. And when one of the Jennifers in my class (we had four) signed it out from the library after me, Roch Voisine would disappear from my grade school life. **Side note: I’m pretty sure that particular Jennifer turned out to be a man-stealing whore!**
But Roch didn’t stay away for long. One fateful day after school, he was thrust back into my life by Tarzan Dan’s Hit List and “I’ll Always Be There.” A sexy t-shirt and guitar replaced his leather jacket but it was he! Now the only thing keeping me from an ear-frolic with my English singing Frenchman, was my search for this song. Keep in mind this is the early 90's – there’s no iTunes. Plus, I was saving up for a class trip so my money (which included $1 and $2 bills) was precious. How was I going to find this song and obsess over it the way a grade school nerd can? Finally, a moment of blonde brilliance: I would find Roch Voisine hiding in a jukebox. Problem solved. Then a moment of despair, as a new problem arose - where would a Grade schooler find a jukebox in the 90s?
Every Friday after grocery shopping my parents would take my brother and I out for dinner. It was usually kid’s choice. My brother after all had an exclusive diet of Doritos, white powder doughnuts and orange Crush (it’s a wonder his skin wasn’t permanently discoloured, come to think of it). With some sly moves on my part I would suggest a place I knew he hated, inciting the orange chemical rage within. And my parents, after a long workweek and wanting desperately to avoid a nuclear meltdown from their youngest child, would suggest that I pick another place. I would then sigh and feign frustration before proposing… we go to Papa Galluci’s, a local independent pizzeria with - you guessed it - A JUKEBOX! My brother would say, “double cheese?” to which my parents would breathe a sigh of relief and load us into the Topaz. Oh, you sly boots Melissa. You got your way, again. Pizza and Roch Voisine would soon be mine.
Once we arrived at the Pizzeria, I would ask for three quarters. My father would roll his eyes and put $2 in quarters on the red-checkered tablecloth. I would walk to the jukebox, catching a reflection of my crazed eyes in its bent glass, scrolling through the Eagles, Nirvana and Tom Petty with the focus only a grade schooler has. George Michael snags my attention for a split second before I decide that would be a waste of a song choice. After all, that man is waiting for me at home and will sing to me for free. With $2 working out to 12 choices, I had to be smart. I was focused on one thing and one thing only: the tiny strip of paper with Roch Voisine handwritten in the middle and “I’ll Always Be There” E9 and “Kissing Rain” E10 above and below. These songs become selections one, two and three;“ Kissing Rain” being played twice, back to back.
Confident in my song selections, I head back to the family booth and wait for the pizza to arrive. Just under nine minutes of music and every Friday thereafter, my father would comment that all the music today sounds the same. As the double cheese pizza arrives still bubbling from the oven, I realize I have indeed found the Grade school link to multilingual peace: it’s Roch Voisine on the Jukebox. And with four song choices left, I knew the fun was just beginning. Merci Roch Voisine, en-chanté!
|
RSS Feed